Struggle over services heats up in Houston

Even hotter than the air outside, the debate between local governments in Houston County is hot and promises to get even hotter. Warner Robins Mayor Donald Walker has vowed he will "never" sign a strategic plan unless Houston County funds more services and relieves the county residents who also live inside the three cities of double taxation. The struggle has become so intense that Walker suggested last week that Houston County government be dissolved all together. County commissioners have suggested that Walker take a long walk on a short pier.

Avoiding the line of fire, Perry Mayor Jim Worrall and Centerville Mayor Mary Ann Weigand bowed out of the debate last month after they realized they didn't have formal gold-engraved invitations and that other protocol had been neglected. "Besides, we don't trust Walker. He's kind of like Hitler with a blitzkrieg. Once he annexes unincorporated Houston County, it's just a matter of time before he'll annex us," Worrall said.

Representatives from the county commission and the city councils will meet today to continue the negotiations. Extra air coolers have been installed to address the expected level of hot air. A rematch is scheduled for Aug. 10 for all council members and commissioners at the county annex. A facilitator from the University of Georgia's Carl Vinson Institute will moderate that meeting. His rules have already been published: "Protect yourself at all times, no biting, no holding, no low punches, no kicking."

In addition to the 197 nationwide deaths caused by the recent heat wave, Sierra club activists hope that the estimated 2500 dead fish found in Lake Sinclair will finally get some action. Georgia Sierra Club officials claim that Georgia Power's Plant Branch heats the water in Beaver Dam Creek and Lake Sinclair and may be responsible for the nationwide heat wave that's had an especially high death toll in the midwest and northeast. "This may be worse than El Nino, but more important than those dead northerners, we now have at least 2500 dead fish near Beaver Dam Creek and it's time for serious action," a Sierra club spokesman said.

ATHENS - University of Georgia officials are investigating a possible toxic waste site near Sanford Stadium. The ivy-covered plot, located across the street from the stadium's luxury skyboxes, may have been used as a drainage site for unidentified waste chemicals used by researchers in the Biological Sciences Building for several years after the building opened in 1960, said university spokesman Tom Jackson.

The possible toxic waste site is one of five identified during an in-house survey the university conducted last month. The site near the stadium skyboxes, which rent for between $40,000 and $60,000 a year, is the only one on the university's main campus, Jackson said.

Three of the sites, including the one between Sanford Stadium and the Biological Sciences Building on Field Street, will require further investigation, said Brent Callihan, a hazardous materials engineer.

Jackson said he wanted to assure skybox tenants that prices won't increase due to the spill. "There will be no extra charge for the mutagenic air treatment in the skyboxes. The other neat aspect of this is that it could help explain why our grass keeps growing into a hedge down on the field and why our mascot, UGA, is so ugly," Jackson said. "We're looking at the up side of this news."

Parents of a 15-year-old girl complained to Bibb Sheriffs officials when they learned that their daughter was bikini dancing at Boss Hawgs, a local adult establishment. The mother of the girl said that the revelation was a shock. "We were suspicious when she brought home hundreds of dollars each night. We really didn't think there were that many big tippers at Shoney's and we were unaware that Shoney's stayed open until 2 am in the morning. But the real eye-opener was when she drove that Ferrari home. Besides the fact that she doesn't yet have a license to drive, we knew something wasn't right," the mother said. The girl's father said he just wants some cash from this. "Cash, I want a LOT of cash, I want one of those Ferraris, too," the father said.

Boss Hawgs manager Steve Ogler said that the girl presented her older sister's identification when she applied for work as a bikini dancer. "The girl looked, ooh la la, I mean, we thought she was 18."

In a related story, new controversy erupted when the parents of an 11-year-old girl discovered their daughter was also bikini dancing at Boss Hawgs and called authorities to complain. Boss Hawgs manager again denied knowledge of underage dancers. "She had a library card so we figured she had to be 18. All I can say is that there must be some heavy hormones in the hamburger they feed that girl. I haven't seen many 11-year-old girls look that, um----- mature," Ogler said.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins